The pain that I had on the worst days felt like I had been in a car accident. That's what I felt like I looked like when I walked. Someone who had seen me walk would say, "She looks like she was in a car accident." And you wake up and you feel like I got hit by a truck while I was sleeping. That's what the pain was. And then there's the other little things, like you go to put your shoes on and your feet don't quite squeeze into your shoes. And it just changes your whole perception of yourself because you're young, you're in your 30s, you don't even stop and think about your health. And then all of a sudden, you feel like you're 80 years old and you have to start thinking of yourself as not healthy, and it's difficult.
I felt like my life as I knew it was over. And there was a mourning period. You go through the stages of grieving. You don't want to believe it, you get angry about it, you know, and it's very similar to the grieving process, and you're grieving who you were. They adapt and say, "I'm OK with this new definition of who I am." I call it simulated healthiness. I simulate that I am healthy, and I feel good about that. But I know I have some limitations. I can't overdo it. If I overdo it, I pay the price. And if I need -, you know, there's certain things I can't do.
I think one of the things I had to give up was you can't just say, "I'm going to go the mall and go walking around all day." You can't, because you're going to be a disaster the next day, and it's not going to be enjoyable, because after you were there for a while, it hurts and it's not fun. So you start to think, "OK, I need to get something from the mall. What store do I want to go to? What entrance do I want to park at so I'm closest to that store?" So that I can go in, and if I do want to walk around a little bit, I haven't expended my energy just getting to that one thing I definitely needed to get. And if I don't feel too good, I don't have to stay.